Marina-
Okay I’m going to be completely honest. This is taking me a lot of guts to post. I never tell people any of this. I’m not even sure why I’m posting it now.
I’m not always comfortable talking about my testimony, or how I became saved. I’m not always comfortable talking about how I was in the past and the things that I used to do. I don’t like people knowing certain things about me, because I’m afraid they’ll hold it against me. Even though it is in the past, it still haunts me in a way; if that makes sense. Some of these things I’m still struggling with. It happens, I guess. Life isn’t always easy. We can’t expect to just stop bad habits immediately. It’s like smoking. Most people do it to relieve stress. That’s usually what habits are for; making you feel comfortable and stress-free. I learned later on that I didn’t need the things I thought I needed.
So, I guess I’ll get started on the day I got saved. I was in 2nd grade. I can’t remember the actual date, and that makes me feel kind of bad, but it was so long ago and I was too young to know that I had to memorize the date. I still felt like I wasn’t saved. We did the prayers, I accepted Christ. I still felt like there was something missing. I got saved again in I think 4th grade if I remember correctly. Still, I felt like there was something missing. I left it alone until about 8th grade. Things started going all wrong, and I felt totally lost and nobody was there to find me. Not my best friend, or my mother. I didn’t think God would hear me or even care to listen to me. I just let things get worst. I felt so alone; like nobody even cared about me. People were leaving me, not wanting to be my friend anymore.
My mom and I didn’t get along that well. I don’t have a dad. He left before I was born. Recently my mom told me that there was more than one guy, and she regrets doing that. It feels weird not being able to compare my facial features to my “father”. It hurts, but I ignore it. I tried to find ways to get rid of the pain. I felt so miserable all the time. I didn’t know what to do. I hid in my room every night. I wasn’t social whatsoever. I only talked to people if they talked to me first. I wasn’t, and still am not, good at carrying on a conversation. I didn’t want to go out and do anything. I always made up stupid excuses for not going out with friends. I just wanted to sleep all the time.
I had a friend once that I thought at the time was the best friend I could ever have. She told me it would be okay if I inflicted pain upon myself. She told me I could bleed out my problems; that I would feel better if I did. I, being the big dumby I am, tried it. It hurt, but I kept going. I felt like it was helping. After awhile, it developed into a habit, and I couldn’t stop. Never did I cut my arms; only my legs. Nobody ever thinks about checking there. I wasn’t doing this as a cry for attention. I was doing this for a way out. A few months passed, and my mom found out. I wasn’t trusted to be alone. Maybe that was a good thing though. People thought I had a disorder with my mind to be able to do that to myself. My mom thought I should be put on pills to calm my hormones. It’s weird what depression can lead you to do.
That’s when things started going downhill again. I got into the same habit I was in before. Somehow, it wasn’t enough for me; so I tried something new: overdosing. It made me feel numb. I could sleep restlessly. I felt sane. I became unhappy with everything about myself. I skipped a few meals. Sometimes I forced myself to throw up. I also burned myself. Nobody knew what I was doing to myself, and nobody was going to find out. I contemplated killing myself many times. I was trying so hard not to fall apart. My grades were terrible, I couldn’t focus. My mind was set on other things. I missed way too much school. I made myself sick. The government was so close to getting involved, so I had to force myself to go. I didn’t want to be around anybody else. I wanted to be alone, yet I wanted someone to stay with me and talk to me. I over-thought things way too much. I still do at times, but I’m trying to stop. I can’t make eye contact with people anymore. I don’t have a reasonable explanation for it. I just feel uncomfortable. I’m trying to change that about myself also. During the middle of freshman year, I was sent to a heart specialist. I was having severe chest pains, dizziness, sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I found out I have Sinus Tachycardia. It’s minor, but extremely difficult at times.
While all this was happening, I always found myself thinking: “Why is God doing this to me?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why did you leave me?” I couldn’t get into my head why God would do something like that. In reality, He never did leave me. He was always there, waiting for me to talk to Him, to want Him. Finally, one day, I spoke up. I said to Him: “God, I’ve done wrong. I know I have, and I’m so sorry. I became so corrupted. I fled from You when you were the One that could save me; that could give me what I needed. Please forgive me. I want You to be my everything. I need You so much.” I knew then something changed. I felt like every bad thing just escaped me. I no longer wanted to hurt myself. I was happier with my appearance, and how God made me. I could breathe easier. I could smile a real smile. I got along well with my mom. Things were falling into place. I became a new person. I no longer felt broken and lost. I grew closer to God and my friends. After everything I’ve been through, I want to help people. People who want to commit suicide, injure themselves in anyway. People who are looking for a way out. I feel like I could help them. Some people just need someone to talk to. I understand that completely. I do not know how that person is feeling exactly, and I will never tell someone that I know how they feel. Nobody really knows how someone is truly feeling, even if you have been in the same situation.
I want to help people know God and grow close to God. I feel that if someone can learn about Him, they will want to learn more. That gets them closer.
Once they accept Him, they’ll know the true meaning to happiness. I think everyone deserves that feeling.
When people ask me my favorite verse, I have to tell them John 14:18. “I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” When they ask me why, I tell them: “I was comfortless once, and it gives me so much hope knowing that Jesus is going to come back.” Usually they nod and give one of those frown/smiles and go back to whatever they were doing.
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